Par badalna kyun hai?!

I recently watched Ayushmann's latest movie Bala and it struck such a chord that I came out feeling overwhelmed and a little ashamed of myself.

The movie revolves around the idea of self love and self acceptance. A young Ayushmann is shown flaunting his luscious hair while mimicking SRK and cut to an adult Ayushmann trying every trick in the book to save his already receding hairline. The arc is clear, the hero needs to learn to accept himself the way he is and Bhumi's character of a dark-skinned girl plays a major role in doing that.

But it is Yami's character that gives me a sort of a jolt. She's shown as a naive but pretty looking ad model (modeling for fairness cream, what a casting coup!) who practically lives in the world of TikTok and has vanity written all over her. Her thought process to even make a TikTok video just before her and Ayushmann's suhagraat gives a fair idea in what kind of social media lives we now live in.

There is a particular scene when in a vulnerable moment Yami confronts Ayushmann that him being bald maybe a small issue for him but for her it's a big deal because it doesn't go with her 'image'. All her life she has only known how to be pretty and that's gotten her everything in life so why should she compromise on having a lesser good looking life partner. This scene just took me back in time!

The idea of being conceited and living a constant fake life just for show, this social media behaviour that we all somewhere or the other adhere to; what are we really trying to prove? I felt the jolt because I know I have lived that vain life. I have been that person who's smiling in front of the camera but there are hundred other not so happy stories running behind the lens. 

Instagram is a toxic place filled with half baked ideas of a perfect life but how real are those? Im an #Instagrammer too but now I try to portray only what's real. The pics and captions can be happy or sad or just plain moody, I will post what I truly feel. Far too long I have been told to post only happy things and it truly starts playing with your head. The thin line between real and reel gets so blurred it might just leave you a little deranged. You can edit every single inch of your body and face in each photos but you can't add a touch of life to it.

The movie gave me a perspective, a little grip on my own actions and a motive to own my reality. Some days I look fat in the pics, some days i look picture perfect. Every single moment just ask yourself, "badalna kyun hai?!" #DoYouBeYou

The art of unlearning

We spend our whole childhood in school learning subjects which never help in real life. We then spend our teenage years in college learning how to basically be an adult and try not to be stupid. And when we become full-fledged adults and enter work life, we learn how to deal with corporate slavery and run behind money. Phew! That's a lot of learning! But is it really only about learning? Is this much enough for a lifetime?

I have always said that I have learned a lot from life. Be it from heartbreaks to family pressures, every situation is a lesson in itself. But doesn't mean that the meaning of the lesson remains the same throughout life. I have come to this belief that the things I learned from a certain set of people or circumstances yesterday may not hold strong in my tomorrow.  For example, if I ever learned to be a compromising person in my past I may not want to remain the same in my present. So I have to UNLEARN all the notions I fed myself over the years.

For me everything comes down to the art of unlearning. Only when you master this art can you grow, adapt, change and soak in all the experiences life has to offer. As much as learning is important, unlearning teaches you to be flexible, shed all ego and embrace life with kindness. I'm in the process of unlearning all that doesn't stand true for me today. Be it the way I talk, think, care, love, hate... If it stops me from respecting myself I'll make sure to stop and unlearn. 

My past 3 years have been emotionally heavy and now when I look back I see some of the bullsh*t I have adapted to and in no way I want to continue living like that. Last 3 months of this year and my last resolution for 2019 - strike a balance between learning and unlearning.

She will be loved

Its been a month I gave up my job and since then have travelled to Phuket for birthday and then Dehradhun to meet my Minnie and see her new homestay Chidiya Cafe (opening soon and is a must visit!). In this one month I have met many new people and each experience has left a mark on me.

Chidiya Cafe, Shigally Hills Dehradhun

From sharing my birthday with complete strangers to almost meeting the soulmate of my dreams and getting rejected, Phuket holds a special place in my heart and I'll always hold the memories close. After a long time I felt the need of a real relationship tugging at my heartstrings and I came back with a stronger resolve to do post-30 life right.

Staff at Honky Tonk Bar, Bangla Street

I also came back with a strange detachment to life with nothing to look forward to and an emptiness that I couldn't describe in mere words. I always believe that things happen when the time is right and maybe this limbo I'm living in isn't the time for action but to retrospect the three decades gone by and where I am now.

I think when I think strongly about something the Universe ALWAYS responds to me and that's why when I started thinking about relationships and love and commitment I met people who were full of it. While one showed me that a relationship with me is all about connections, the other made me first fall in love with myself, made me feel beautiful and not just in physical terms. I'm coming to realise there are so many facets to love and if you surround yourself with such people there's no way you won't find the L word everywhere and in every aspect of life.

Last night I watched my favourite film 'Before Sunrise' after many years and you know the thing that happens when you see something after a long time and you watch it in a different light? The meaning of this movie has changed for me now and it's more defining. Ready for a relationship or not I know I'm ready to give and receive love and let the good things happen to me. Universe is listening, I know! ❤️🙂

Karma just called, she wants a payback!

Dear Universe,

There's a thin line between testing someone and fucking around with someone and nobody asked for a fuck-a-thon! Requesting you to please stop.

Yours trying to be faithful,
Life.

Past few months have been pretty intense, it felt like I sat in a rollercoaster and came out with my legs up in the air. Relationships underwent a complete transformation, I finally decided to quit my job and take a break in life. I even went solo tripping again to my favorite Goa just for a time out and came back with new resolutions. But between all of this, I faced rejections, betrayal, heartbreaks and even some nasty allegations.

Familiarity breeds contempt. When you expect too much from each other there are bound to be misunderstandings and only the strongest of relationship/friendship can withstand that test. If you fail it's a good eye-opener. And a very clear indication of toxic behavior. And this toxic is not even the Britney Spears-eque cool, this is highly negative and a downer. So should I just safely say good riddance before I got involved too much in the toxicity? Maybe not so soon. There are things which have been left unsaid and I solely believe Karma comes back to settle scores.

And it's not just personal matters that have made me question my own judgement, even professionally I have been misled into trusting people who don't deserve any and it sort of breaks my heart to have invested so much of my time and effort in that. But fret not, because Karma is waiting to drop by!

Life obviously doesn't wait for anyone so I have moved on. I never regret the decisions I make because I stand by everything. I choose to be that person who walks away with her self-respect intact rather than be walked on. And from this point on I know every moment of this tough phase is going to be worth it. Do good, be good rest leave on that little bitch called Karma!

P.S: Doing a solo trip to Phuket for bringing in my 30th birthday and a strange excitement to bring it in with strangers! #wootwoot

Change is coming

This post contains rant. Please read at your own risk!

They say change is the only constant thing in life. Times change, people change, Govt. change (except ours is still flaunting saffron) but do we individually change as a person? Do we all go through a metamorphosis and come out of it as a renewed person? I like to believe that at every stage in my life I have made some serious changes to my personality. I'm not the same Prerna I was 5 years ago. I wasn't the same Prerna even back then. Every turn of life you grow up, you fail and you learn from it and you move on. But bringing a change doesn't mean changing your personality inside out. There will always be some qualities about you that just define you, it's a part of your natural process. Like if you're an extra caring person you'll always react as such in any given situation. It's a natural reflex.

As I inch closer to turning 30 I have some serious changes that I want to take care of. When I look back I see myself as a controlling person who doesn't trust enough to let things happen, who's an over-thinker and jumps to conclusions.  I know for a fact that this isn't a part of my core personality but something I have developed over the years as a defence mechanism. It's not an excuse, I have decided to call a spade a spade so I know where my shortcomings lie. Before I turn the big number, I want to shed this part of me completely. The new me (yet again!) doesn't want to be associated with any negative connotation to her personality. If that means giving it up all and starting from the scratch so be it. The best thing I have learned in life is to be self-reliant. And that's what makes me even think of taking this plunge.

Second bad habit that I have cultivated is of keeping expectations. Now we all know that you're suppose to 'expect nothing and appreciate everything.' But easier said than done, right? It's only human to expect once, twice but if you keep doing it then it's just foolish. And I take this blame on me completely.

I have no flowery wisdom to share that life teaches you this and that, but I know that a change is inevitable. I have made changes to my physical appearance but it's time now to get a mental makeover and come out of the cocoon. Whether I develop wings and fly or I get knocked down that time will tell, but a dear friend told me that I need to do what I need to do, so let the countdown to 30 be a time of new beginnings!

Women's Day! Happy or not

Please note: This is no feminist post.

That said, you read all these stories of #MeToo and you know that there are some bad people out there who are taking women for granted and it boils my blood.  But as I said, this is not a feminist post. I'll not preach about something I have no full knowledge about. I sometimes come across the shittiest of guys on these dating apps and I've been lucky enough to have tackled it carefully, but nothing discredits the truths of the women who go through a hell time and have to speak out publicly to prove their credibility. Kudos to them for gathering that courage, I'm in awe.

There are some women in my life I really admire and the most important is my Mum who fought against all odds to become the voice of reason in my family and her sacrifices made us into one big whole unit. Nothing I can do will ever be enough to thank her. Her sheer dedication to the family strives me into becoming a woman of my own and has helped form values I wouldn't have learned anywhere else. She's a staunch woman who made some radical choices in her life proving that nothing lies beyond a woman's power and in time I learned from her that what being strong means, even though it took me years to apply that to my own life.

For most of my life I've been the girl who lived in shadows. I could never find my voice to speak up openly, kept my opinions to myself feeling afraid it might strike a wrong chord somewhere. It took me years, and really, years to come up with a blog now that blogs are not even a "thing" anymore. But I have failed, gotten up and learned again in life to be the woman I'm today and I will, for once, throw modesty out of the window and say I'm proud of myself for the person I've become. In childhood a random child specialist told me I'm an underconfident person and that feedback I held so close to me that I never opened up completely. And each time I did, I embarrassed myself and you know how those are scarring AF. But now after many years, I thank my lucky stars to have made some friends in life who taught me that it's okay to let go, open up and soar high. They made me into a woman I would only imagine all through my childhood and teenage years. So I pay my gratefulness where it's due - THANKS GUYS!

Like a lot of people know, I've been through a transformation and that is a big highlight of my life. Not only physically, but even mentally it made me into a different person and I have first-hand experienced everyone's opinion change about me. Guys give me more attention, a lot of people now take me more seriously, as twisted as it may sound, but as a woman has that changed me? Not really. I still hold the same opinions I did before. I still don't give a sh*t if someone objectifies me because experience has taught me that some people are just trashy, they will never accept you for who you are. And does it disappoint me looking at people's shallow minds? Hell, it does! I only wish they would grow up and see women as equal if not above.

My parents are dejected with my choice of not getting married and it's taking them some time to get around to but it's a WIP. I don't choose to tie myself to a relationship I don't believe in and conform to the norms of society and be blissfully (not!) committed to a stranger. I have found my own path of being self-reliant and I think I'm great at it. I'm no expert in how to be an independent woman but I have done my bit to make sure, come what may, I love myself and work on myself to make sure I'm enough. 

In the great words of one of my favourites Beyonce, "who run the world?" The answer couldn't be more obvious and perfect than - GIRLS!

The life of a Singleton

It's been 4 years I have been the S word and life has never been this amazing. I'm serious, I'm not saying this because it's cool to say so but I have genuinely never lived UP my life as much as I did in these past years. I spent time with myself, on the things I wanted to do and I came out feeling stronger than ever. These past years have been a witness to the rising of a new Prerna and needless to say there are many people who helped me in this journey and I'm more than grateful for their sheer support.

I was in a relationship for 7 long years. It's like we grew up together, from silly college times to struggling first job days. But as they say, if it's meant to be it will be. And I don't say this with any resentment, but people who knew us personally knew this wouldn't and shouldn't have lasted. And I'm more than happy for the person I have become today, for the person he has turned out to be and for a whole lot of grief that we spared ourselves from. Phew!

Now coming to the topic of being single, was it easy breezy initially? Not really, it took me one solo trip to Goa to make me fall in love with myself again and from there on my story changed. I am proud of myself to finally have taken that one big step of doing a solo trip and in a very cliche Imtiaz Ali-esque movie plot, discovered myself walking down the winding paths of Goa. Today the Prerna I'm is a complete u-turn to what I used to be. But this doesn't mean that I gave up on the notion of love, the feeling you get when you start talking to someone new is priceless and I'm a hardcore YRF-ish kinda sucker for it. So even though I stepped out of a relationship I stepped into the world of online dating and it has been a whirlwind of a ride! But that part of my life demands another blog which hopefully in future I shall update.

                            Baga Beach, Goa

Life as a singleton is the most comfortable space I have been in. I believe there's nothing that I can't do alone. Now surely I have a lovely group of friends who are just like family, but when it comes to being single I can do solo trips, I can eat and drink alone at restaurants, I can go for movies alone and not feel any nervousness about it. Being a single person in any kind of environment boosts my confidence and that's a big lesson I have learned over the years. Sure, many judge me for the things I do alone but I have always believed that there's no need to wait for anyone to come and be that travel buddy or a food/drink companion. I LOVE my own company! My happiness is my responsibility and I make sure I keep myself happy. I read somewhere that if you don't treat yourself nicely you can't expect the world to treat you better and this is something I aspire to follow all my life.

I have nothing against relationships, in fact, my feelings about the topic of relationships have been at times conflicted. There are days I feel it might be a great idea to have someone who you can just call, talk silly to, fight for no reason and just vent your heart out. Then there are days when I meet someone new and I'm safeguarding my single status like my life depends on it! I keep saying I'm too self-reliant to accommodate anyone new in my life. But as A R Rahman once sang, "Dil hai toh dard hoga, dard hai toh dil bhi hoga" But until that dard comes knocking down, let's just party like Beyonce's all single ladies! #PutYourHandsUp