It's been almost 2 years but I think I'm back at the brink of falling into that deep abyss again. A place in which last time I almost gave up my will to live and gave up 2 kgs. I've a tinkling feeling my friend is creeping onto me again and this time I've no threshold whatsoever to go through it. I feel half dead, I'm scared if someone even hugs me I might just breakdown crying. Need a handle with care t-shirt.
Everything was going so well, until August started. The birthday month which brings forth my overthinking to full gear. A month where I look back and reflect if I made the right choices in my year gone by. And with every year inching closer to death I try to fine tune my musings and pick on the minutest of things that maybe considered a thoughtless move. What exercise started at the beginning of August has now culminated into the most intense climax. Almost a deja vu of last time and this time I let it pass over me. I let every flinch of pain be felt so I could cry. Cry my heart out. Cry this phase away.
It's my time of the year to shut down now. Tune out everyone. Be selective in my conversation with people around, change my surroundings and vanish from this environment. Like always I know this needed to happen to me. I had to at some point face my delusions, learn a thing or two and move on to the next chapter. I have promised myself that the next time I'll be less delusional (you may laugh!) I'll not give in too much and I'll hold back when my intuition says so. Best part I learned in this heart failure (again!) is that my intuition is top-notch! Ask me to predict a match the next time, I swear it'll be worth it!
My lifestyle calls for yet another change. Calls for moving to a different timeline. I think my best quality is that I can be anyone you want me to be, and God forbid when I fall in love, I soak in all his habits. This time I was an alcoholic.
I learned a lot in these past 2 years. I learned to believe in myself, learned my worth and most importantly understood my own toxicity. I'm not going to sit and blame anyone for hurting me. I blame myself for giving that control. My happiness and my sadness and my self respect is all in my hands and my latest solo travel is a very solid validation for that. Counting my blessings, nursing my broken heart and making new promises, I move on. I give up.
P.S: Wrote this new blog exactly a year later, this day must be assigned in the Universe's calendar as my "Happy L Day"
