Detachment - 2020 in a nutshell

This is the Word of the Year for me.

I'll always remember 2020 as a turning point in my personal life. I have been closing chapters on other people forever in life, but this year for a change, I closed my own chapter. I had been living the same old life, along the same patterns year after year and a change was absolutely called for. And for this to happen I had to learn how to detach and Universe made sure I learned it the hardest way possible.

My first lesson came early in the year when I waited for around 2 months to hear from a job interview only to be told I can't be hired. Till then I was restless about finding work but that rejection really set me back. I picked up the few pieces left of my self worth and pushed myself to believe again but in my heart I knew I'll have to detach myself from expectations that things will happen as I want them to. Doesn't work like that, I learned.

When the pandemic hit, I honestly felt a little relaxed about finding work and I guess that's why Universe worked in my favour and I found work in the midst of this crisis. I also felt guilty to have work when others were struggling to even survive. I had to keep detaching myself from my overthinking self and remember to count my blessings everyday.

Then my parents got Covid and the only reason we survived that tough phase was because I forced myself to detach from my fear of losing them. I shut down completely, didn't talk to anyone and only focused on tackling the situation one day at a time. This was by far my biggest lesson in detachment because here my one negative thought would have left an impact for an entire lifetime. And I knew I wasn't prepared for that, I wasn't ready to face that life.

My birthday was a depressive episode. I felt lonely and lost but I stopped myself from breaking down completely. I detached from the idea of expecting that anyone owes me anything. I'm supposed to be self sufficient so a pandemic birthday shouldn't deter my confidence.

And now the current situation that I'm in, I'm still to detach from it completely. It's been overwhelming and emotional and it has left me broken but I know this is the climax of my transition to a new chapter in life. I'm unable to let go of my feelings in this case because I dived too deep into it and I know maybe some months down the line when I'll look back at this, it'll not seem like a big deal. Maybe we will feel completely different about the situation then. 

I should detach from the idea of forcing things to happen when it's not the right time. I should let go of any notion that I can control any situation. Things happen when they have to, and if they don't they weren't meant to. 

My 2020 isn't ending the way I thought it would but I'm ready to let go of it. I'm tired and exhausted and I can't continue like this anymore. Going into autopilot till the new year, see you on the other side.

Chapter closed.

Lost in Transition

 Yes, I know it's 'translation' but I'm in a transitioning phase of my life and it's been an emotional rollercoaster. Past 3 weeks have been an emotional upheaval to say the least and I guess I entered this phase right after I came back from Goa. Past 3 weeks were just triggering and I have had my longest depressive, anxiety-filled episode.

Nobody talks about how much anxiety and panic attacks can even physically hurt you. I've been in an unexplained pain, had sleepless nights one after the other, I lost my appetite and the result (I'm looking at it as the silver lining out of this) I actually lost 2kgs! Yay! No? Well.

I also learned some important lessons about myself which now in hindsight i think were important to learn. I'm ridden with insecurity, I think I'm ready to open up and accept whatever comes my way but maybe I'm not. I have analysed my own emotions, the way I react in situations, tested my patience to a whole new level and all the while felt lost and pained. I'm not saying I'm not still lost, but now I tell myself every night before "trying" to sleep that I have to take it one day at a time. 

This is my first time that I have felt something so hard and for so long, made me question my own sanity but good I went through this. I'm still trying to process my feelings, but there are qualities in me which can be toxic if I behave selfish and maybe it's time I started working on that instead of looking for something or someone to make me feel whole. Also, I guess time for professional help but for that too I need to prepare myself to really be vulnerable but strong  enough to bring a change.

I hope and pray my next phase goes easy on me and I accept it as a whole new me. But, one day at a time.

To quote my favourite character from my favourite movie, "bas Babaji ab iss 2020 ko boring bana do!"

Pandemic vacation

 I, an unemployed #loser, was already on my seventh month of joblessness in March when Bombay was put under a lockdown and I thought to myself, "great, some more vella time." I was half-relieved too tbh because selfishly I thought it's just not me at least who has to sit at home! But by then I don't think it had hit anyone how long it would last and we might even end up forgetting how to be outdoors and socialize with normal humans. 

In between I obviously I found work, started working full time (read: overtime, crazy wfh scenes) and now after 8 months of being in a lockdown and working 24/7 I had almost lost my will to live and was DYING for a break.

Then Bombay came out of lockdown after 8 months, at least partially, travel restrictions lifted and I immediately booked tickets to my ONLY favourite place, GOA!

Everyone in my life knows how much I love visiting Goa, I leave no chance and end up doing a trip at least 4 times in a year. But 2020 being the bitch that it is, this was my first trip anywhere this year and so I was sure I want to make the most of it. And can't explain the feeling I had of getting out these 4 walls of my room and traveling again, sitting in that flight and actually going somewhere else which is not my room/house/area.

And while I have visited Goa umpteen times I can say this with guarantee, this was one of the BEST trips of my life. There was a surreal value in this trip because obviously traveling amidst pandemic is an experience in itself and not to forget the anxiety that comes along because you're trying your best to be safe. The moment I walked in on that beach it's like I was reborn, I felt alive and normal after a very long time.

And like always I also met new people, spent some valuable quality time with them, we all hung out like we are old friends and didn't even realise how easily it just all clicked. One out of them even gave some extra love and attention to me and I'm going to cherish that and be grateful for that forever in life. Lockdown had made being single difficult and the little time also we spent came as a huge and much needed relief. Made memories with these people for lifetime and I pray we get a chance to meet again in life.

I came back feeling a little lost, took me a while to get out of that zone and get back to reality. And swear the reality is cruel and cannot wait for the day life will go back to real normal, till then I'll live on the memories of this pseudo normalcy I created for myself 💙🌼

This Too Shall Pass.

 Tough times don't last. Good times also don't last. In short, time is a big fat bitch.

Everyone knows I'm more or less a 'Daddy's girl' (I have Sherdiputtar tattooed on me to prove the authenticity behind the claim.) And everyone who knows me knows how deeply I care for my father, so when it comes to his health I make sure I do everything possible and push beyond my capacity.

But the past 15 days was tough for our family. Our little tryst with Covid made us feel vulnerable, overwhelmed, sometimes hysterically optimistic and also resilient. Tough. A strong, firm belief that everything will be okay if we are in it together. I'm not making this post to talk in detail about what happened and what not because I genuinely don't wish to relive it, just a verbal release that it's all thankfully over now.

I also realised how I avoided talking at all about the situation to most people I'm close to. I just clammed up because I didn't want to put the burden on anyone else for listening to my woes, to the emotional roller-coaster going on inside me. So many guys that have come and gone from my life telling me to lower my expectations, looks like I took it all so seriously that today I rather not talk about my feelings at all than open up to even the closest ones. If you just said 'aww' out of pity while reading this, please stop. Again, this is just a post to write down feelings, that's all.

And also a big gratitude for those who knew about the situation and were helping out by just even listening and being supportive. A big thanks!

Another birthday is around the corner. Turning a year older, wiser and now even more so mentally stronger, thanks to the virus. Never imagined will be doing a quarantine birthday but I'm ready for any curveball now, and frankly once you complete your 20s birthdays should just be banned. There's nothing happy about your birth anymore!

Personal lockdown ends!

After working in my last job for 4 years and overall in my career for 9 years, I finally took the plunge in Aug 19 and decided to go on a break from work life. Just before the D Day approached a lot of people suggested I should travel, read, write, watch and just let loose and make the most of the free time. And I did, for a while I really did! I traveled solo to Phuket for 30th birthday, I visited Meenakshi and her Chidiya Cafe in Dehradun at least thrice. I did my usual solo trip to Goa, because really if I don't it would be so not me. I read, I binge watched Netflix and all other OTTs I pay for, I caught up with all my friends for drinks and movies umpteen times.

And while all this was fun, nobody told me that even good times can get boring after a while!

Don't get me wrong, I know I voluntarily chose to take this break but I didn't realise that Prerna without work is really just inspiration-less. If I don't feel productive at the end of the day, what's the point of it all? I have really let work define my existence in the past 9 years and I now understand why. It's been almost 8 months that I have been "chilling" and I have learned that work Prerna > velli Prerna any time, any day.

These 8 months have been super helpful too, I learned things about myself I never acknowledged before. I developed a sense of patience, an understanding to look at a situation without reacting immediately, I spent time on myself, learned how to let go of things that aren't under my control and just really go with the flow. I felt the solitude in all its glory and I'm grateful to come out of this experience with a tad more maturity than before.

I'm now 30 years old and haven't worked 8 months out of it which I think is a big W, no other year of my life compares to what my life has been these past months. My new journey begins this 15th and I can't wait to see what's the new chapter like. And the best part is now when someone will ask me what's happening in life I'll finally have a different answer! There are only so many times one can answer, "I'm just chilling, what's happening with you" :| #PetitionToCancelSmallTalk

Let's make it complicated

We are in 2020, I've been single for almost 6 years now and I've been surfing on various dating apps trying my luck at finding love. And with so much experience I can strongly say, we are still in complicated times. I've been meaning to write about my struggles since a long time but I never had enough words to explain how it feels.

It is only when I saw the trailer of Love Aaj Kal I realised how as a generation we are the crusaders of these unloved times. Even though I haven't watched the film yet but I know the gist of it and I'm sure in a very Imtiaz Ali way it explains the nuances of hookup culture and the harsh consequences of it. All reviews suggest that the movie is shallow, I'll reserve my comment on it until I watch it, but I believe the context is quite real and I've bore the brunt of it personally.

I'm of the strong opinion that my generation is lost in the transition between real life relationships and virtual dating and the only saving grace is that we know how to handle lost love. But truly, have we forgotten how to love? Each guy I meet, online and offline, very categorically mentions that they're NOT looking for the real deal. Casual relationships have become the norm and currently this phase means doing everything together as a couple but without the tag of being called a 'couple'. You know what I mean? To me it only translates as being scared of commitment and hence staying away from real feelings and not get hurt.

I think love is a beautiful feeling, something we all should experience as many times as possible in life. I love being single but that doesn't mean I'm averse to the idea of love, there's nothing wrong in having someone in life with whom you can share some part of you in a stable manner. If we all only look for casual and commitment-free hookups, are we then completely giving up on the notion of love and companionship? And is that really worth it? Food for thought, hmm.

I've been in a long relationship, I've met a few guys with whom I've genuinely connected and could have tried taking things further but I can't force anyone to feel how I feel or change their stance on commitment. I'm criminally positive and a believer of old-school romance so I don't think I'll ever give up on the idea of love, but maybe just change my approach at how I find it. 

#SheWillBeLoved sooner or later, but will be. :)