Yes, I know it's 'translation' but I'm in a transitioning phase of my life and it's been an emotional rollercoaster. Past 3 weeks have been an emotional upheaval to say the least and I guess I entered this phase right after I came back from Goa. Past 3 weeks were just triggering and I have had my longest depressive, anxiety-filled episode.
Nobody talks about how much anxiety and panic attacks can even physically hurt you. I've been in an unexplained pain, had sleepless nights one after the other, I lost my appetite and the result (I'm looking at it as the silver lining out of this) I actually lost 2kgs! Yay! No? Well.
I also learned some important lessons about myself which now in hindsight i think were important to learn. I'm ridden with insecurity, I think I'm ready to open up and accept whatever comes my way but maybe I'm not. I have analysed my own emotions, the way I react in situations, tested my patience to a whole new level and all the while felt lost and pained. I'm not saying I'm not still lost, but now I tell myself every night before "trying" to sleep that I have to take it one day at a time.
This is my first time that I have felt something so hard and for so long, made me question my own sanity but good I went through this. I'm still trying to process my feelings, but there are qualities in me which can be toxic if I behave selfish and maybe it's time I started working on that instead of looking for something or someone to make me feel whole. Also, I guess time for professional help but for that too I need to prepare myself to really be vulnerable but strong enough to bring a change.
I hope and pray my next phase goes easy on me and I accept it as a whole new me. But, one day at a time.
To quote my favourite character from my favourite movie, "bas Babaji ab iss 2020 ko boring bana do!"
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