Detachment - 2020 in a nutshell

This is the Word of the Year for me.

I'll always remember 2020 as a turning point in my personal life. I have been closing chapters on other people forever in life, but this year for a change, I closed my own chapter. I had been living the same old life, along the same patterns year after year and a change was absolutely called for. And for this to happen I had to learn how to detach and Universe made sure I learned it the hardest way possible.

My first lesson came early in the year when I waited for around 2 months to hear from a job interview only to be told I can't be hired. Till then I was restless about finding work but that rejection really set me back. I picked up the few pieces left of my self worth and pushed myself to believe again but in my heart I knew I'll have to detach myself from expectations that things will happen as I want them to. Doesn't work like that, I learned.

When the pandemic hit, I honestly felt a little relaxed about finding work and I guess that's why Universe worked in my favour and I found work in the midst of this crisis. I also felt guilty to have work when others were struggling to even survive. I had to keep detaching myself from my overthinking self and remember to count my blessings everyday.

Then my parents got Covid and the only reason we survived that tough phase was because I forced myself to detach from my fear of losing them. I shut down completely, didn't talk to anyone and only focused on tackling the situation one day at a time. This was by far my biggest lesson in detachment because here my one negative thought would have left an impact for an entire lifetime. And I knew I wasn't prepared for that, I wasn't ready to face that life.

My birthday was a depressive episode. I felt lonely and lost but I stopped myself from breaking down completely. I detached from the idea of expecting that anyone owes me anything. I'm supposed to be self sufficient so a pandemic birthday shouldn't deter my confidence.

And now the current situation that I'm in, I'm still to detach from it completely. It's been overwhelming and emotional and it has left me broken but I know this is the climax of my transition to a new chapter in life. I'm unable to let go of my feelings in this case because I dived too deep into it and I know maybe some months down the line when I'll look back at this, it'll not seem like a big deal. Maybe we will feel completely different about the situation then. 

I should detach from the idea of forcing things to happen when it's not the right time. I should let go of any notion that I can control any situation. Things happen when they have to, and if they don't they weren't meant to. 

My 2020 isn't ending the way I thought it would but I'm ready to let go of it. I'm tired and exhausted and I can't continue like this anymore. Going into autopilot till the new year, see you on the other side.

Chapter closed.

Lost in Transition

 Yes, I know it's 'translation' but I'm in a transitioning phase of my life and it's been an emotional rollercoaster. Past 3 weeks have been an emotional upheaval to say the least and I guess I entered this phase right after I came back from Goa. Past 3 weeks were just triggering and I have had my longest depressive, anxiety-filled episode.

Nobody talks about how much anxiety and panic attacks can even physically hurt you. I've been in an unexplained pain, had sleepless nights one after the other, I lost my appetite and the result (I'm looking at it as the silver lining out of this) I actually lost 2kgs! Yay! No? Well.

I also learned some important lessons about myself which now in hindsight i think were important to learn. I'm ridden with insecurity, I think I'm ready to open up and accept whatever comes my way but maybe I'm not. I have analysed my own emotions, the way I react in situations, tested my patience to a whole new level and all the while felt lost and pained. I'm not saying I'm not still lost, but now I tell myself every night before "trying" to sleep that I have to take it one day at a time. 

This is my first time that I have felt something so hard and for so long, made me question my own sanity but good I went through this. I'm still trying to process my feelings, but there are qualities in me which can be toxic if I behave selfish and maybe it's time I started working on that instead of looking for something or someone to make me feel whole. Also, I guess time for professional help but for that too I need to prepare myself to really be vulnerable but strong  enough to bring a change.

I hope and pray my next phase goes easy on me and I accept it as a whole new me. But, one day at a time.

To quote my favourite character from my favourite movie, "bas Babaji ab iss 2020 ko boring bana do!"