My Friend, G̶a̶n̶e̶s̶h̶a̶ Depression

It's been almost 2 years but I think I'm back at the brink of falling into that deep abyss again. A place in which last time I almost gave up my will to live and gave up 2 kgs. I've a tinkling feeling my friend is creeping onto me again and this time I've no threshold whatsoever to go through it. I feel half dead, I'm scared if someone even hugs me I might just breakdown crying. Need a handle with care t-shirt.

Everything was going so well, until August started. The birthday month which brings forth my overthinking to full gear. A month where I look back and reflect if I made the right choices in my year gone by. And with every year inching closer to death I try to fine tune my musings and pick on the minutest of things that maybe considered a thoughtless move. What exercise started at the beginning of August has now culminated into the most intense climax. Almost a deja vu of last time and this time I let it pass over me. I let every flinch of pain be felt so I could cry. Cry my heart out. Cry this phase away.

It's my time of the year to shut down now. Tune out everyone. Be selective in my conversation with people around, change my surroundings and vanish from this environment. Like always I know this needed to happen to me. I had to at some point face my delusions, learn a thing or two and move on to the next chapter. I have promised myself that the next time I'll be less delusional (you may laugh!) I'll not give in too much and I'll hold back when my intuition says so. Best part I learned in this heart failure (again!) is that my intuition is top-notch! Ask me to predict a match the next time, I swear it'll be worth it!

My lifestyle calls for yet another change. Calls for moving to a different timeline. I think my best quality is that I can be anyone you want me to be, and God forbid when I fall in love, I soak in all his habits. This time I was an alcoholic.

I learned a lot in these past 2 years. I learned to believe in myself, learned my worth and most importantly understood my own toxicity. I'm not going to sit and blame anyone for hurting me. I blame myself for giving that control. My happiness and my sadness and my self respect is all in my hands and my latest solo travel is a very solid validation for that. Counting my blessings, nursing my broken heart and making new promises, I move on. I give up. 

P.S: Wrote this new blog exactly a year later, this day must be assigned in the Universe's calendar as my "Happy L Day"

Time heals...I hope

 I always imagined the day something major happens to me, like a major illness or an injury. 32 years of my life nothing happened and boom! just a split second of ankle twist and now I'm on bed rest nursing an ankle fracture. 1 second is taking at least a month away from me and now I'm asking myself just why would I manifest this for myself??! It's painful, past one week felt like a lifetime and I still have some time to go before I can go back on my feet. And all this because I didn't sit at home one night and missteped while walking off a footpath. What a shame.

This blog has no larger picture reason, this is just me venting because I'm already so tired being in bed all day. Immobile. Helpless. Soon to be on crutches to be able to move without help. Doctors so easily say that it'll take 4-6weeks to heal but nobody wants to consider how that time will be spent? Have to pause my life literally for the ankle to bear some weight. Science needs to be more advanced, this is bullshit.

Now while I wait for things to go back to normal I have been trying my best to not fall into the abyss of overthinking. I'm trying to be patient, live one day at a time and tell myself that time will heal everything and this too shall pass. I want to be out meeting friends, sharing a drink with them and having a good time. I feel like something is stuck and I'm pushing against the current. I know if I stop counting time it'll go faster but only if it was that easy. 

I'll try keeping myself busy with books and movies, practice walking on crutches so I can step out for sometime for some fresh air and BELIEVE in the deepest parts of me that I'm healing and I'll walk soon. I'll never forget this experience in life, for now it might be a painful situation but tomorrow I want to remember this as my test of patience. I want to use this experience to remind myself that I have been through this so I can do anything. 

Inshallah, it'll be all done soon. 🧿💫🤲

Mum vs. Malaria - A one-sided match

 There's nothing mothers can't do. Even if their child is dying, a mother will stop God and the Universe and bring back her child to life. Their love is not only unconditional, but also healing. 

I recently got diagnosed with Malaria and my Mum just went into SuperMum mode. I was down with fever, chills, a massive headache and too much weakness but for my Mum it meant one thing - my daughter is sick, need to bring her back to health.

From staying up late nights to massage my headache away to feeding me dinners with her own hands so I can have the heavy medication later, my Mum left nothing to chance. 

I find it very fascinating and admirable how anytime anyone falls sick at home my Mum puts on some invisible cape and gets to work. Even if you wake her up in the middle of the night, she will get inside the kitchen and come back with her concoction of warmth and comfort. She has a cure for every ailment, you ask her cure for cancer she probably might pull that off too, but let's just say it'll involve haldi doodh somehow.

I really wonder if I'll ever be able to have Mum powers, you know get the doctor inside of me out when my kid is sick or be the teacher while doing homework or be the chef to a hungry child. Heck, I don't even know if I'll ever even be a mother. But a thousand thank yous will not be even enough to express how grateful I'm to my own Mum. She does everything for me without expecting anything in return and that makes me feel overwhelmingly loved. Each time I fall sick I take the time out to be grateful for the people who check on me, Dad included because let's accept he's a moral support while Mum does all the real work. But his presence is comforting and enough for me.

Thank you Mum for bringing me out yet another bout of sick days and now we can go back to you sulking everytime I come back home late at night :p

Age is just a number

 I have now come to believe there's no right age to meet someone, there's no cut-off that defines when we can stop making connections. You could be counting your last breath and just the patient next door could turn out to be someone you wish you had life left to know more. Or you could be a tiny baby holding the finger of some adult-size human and instantly feel you're safe. Connections are a push from the Universe that lead you towards the right path.

I think it's a well-known fact among my friends and followers that I'm a huge fan of the Before Trilogy, I consider the three movies as my guide to all things love. The first part is about building an instant connection and I try to look for that chance in every person that crosses paths with me. And something like that did happen on the 23rd February, 2021 when just out of the blue this guy walked into the bar and walked into my life.

You see this is not a love story. It's about 2 contrasting people meeting, instantly connecting and then working towards building an unique bond that, at least I pray (read: manifest), lasts for years and years. He is a charming, good-looking, big-hearted, empathetic, flirtatious, filmy and a funny boy. And no matter the age difference, the best part is that he actually really gets me! I think I'm more than grateful for his company and I'm not saying just because I'm writing this piece, he does what I believe most guys have forgotten to do; he really LISTENS. He doesn't belittle my thoughts, he encourages me to love myself, he makes me feel appreciated and the love he gives me just feels straight from the heart, genuine and pure.

Considering he's a Gen-Z I think I should put it in his words - Issa Vibe! (Lol, I cringed hard while writing this!)

This pandemic has been a depressing phase for all of us and I'm trying to live life one day at a time. In the midst of this finding a friendship or a bond or a connection like this one I really consider myself lucky. I know the Universe has taken care of me each time I hit rock bottom and this time bringing him in my life the Universe has really earned some brownie points! Good job 🥂👏

Ending this with another favourite quote from the Trilogy because if this isn't what life is all about, then what is?

The Mythical Closure

 "What was closure if not a clock? Not an end as everyone imagined, but a beginning."

We all want it and most times we don't get offered any. What do you do when someone suddenly leaves you without any explanation and your heart feels like someone opened it and then slammed it down? Closure is the best lie we tell ourselves. At least I do that because I can be delusional enough to convince myself that it's the Universe's way of pulling me away from a path not meant for me.

But is it even possible to give anyone closure? I really feel we never get any because it's very easy to spiral down memory lane and re-live the hurt you once went through and then no amount of closure can help lessen that pain. We are humans with a mind and a heart and emotions, we are bound to feel things. Closure is a good veil to cover up but not a guarantee.

I've closed doors on friendships and relationships many times in life and I have seldom gotten any or given any closure. And I think that's what has made me a little heartless but it works, right. I still cry over lost connections but I move on letting my heart turn into stone slowly each time. My main policy in life is that however bad the situation, one year down the line it's never going to matter. And if you stop giving importance to people and things they cease to matter. Simply said, difficult to do but it is what it is.

I know all this sounds unhealthy and a cry for therapy, but I rather accept the person I've become than live a lie with toxic positivity. Lot of people have hurt me in life and I've hurt a lot of people, it's a never-ending cycle. Nothing remains important, so let it be.

Detachment - 2020 in a nutshell

This is the Word of the Year for me.

I'll always remember 2020 as a turning point in my personal life. I have been closing chapters on other people forever in life, but this year for a change, I closed my own chapter. I had been living the same old life, along the same patterns year after year and a change was absolutely called for. And for this to happen I had to learn how to detach and Universe made sure I learned it the hardest way possible.

My first lesson came early in the year when I waited for around 2 months to hear from a job interview only to be told I can't be hired. Till then I was restless about finding work but that rejection really set me back. I picked up the few pieces left of my self worth and pushed myself to believe again but in my heart I knew I'll have to detach myself from expectations that things will happen as I want them to. Doesn't work like that, I learned.

When the pandemic hit, I honestly felt a little relaxed about finding work and I guess that's why Universe worked in my favour and I found work in the midst of this crisis. I also felt guilty to have work when others were struggling to even survive. I had to keep detaching myself from my overthinking self and remember to count my blessings everyday.

Then my parents got Covid and the only reason we survived that tough phase was because I forced myself to detach from my fear of losing them. I shut down completely, didn't talk to anyone and only focused on tackling the situation one day at a time. This was by far my biggest lesson in detachment because here my one negative thought would have left an impact for an entire lifetime. And I knew I wasn't prepared for that, I wasn't ready to face that life.

My birthday was a depressive episode. I felt lonely and lost but I stopped myself from breaking down completely. I detached from the idea of expecting that anyone owes me anything. I'm supposed to be self sufficient so a pandemic birthday shouldn't deter my confidence.

And now the current situation that I'm in, I'm still to detach from it completely. It's been overwhelming and emotional and it has left me broken but I know this is the climax of my transition to a new chapter in life. I'm unable to let go of my feelings in this case because I dived too deep into it and I know maybe some months down the line when I'll look back at this, it'll not seem like a big deal. Maybe we will feel completely different about the situation then. 

I should detach from the idea of forcing things to happen when it's not the right time. I should let go of any notion that I can control any situation. Things happen when they have to, and if they don't they weren't meant to. 

My 2020 isn't ending the way I thought it would but I'm ready to let go of it. I'm tired and exhausted and I can't continue like this anymore. Going into autopilot till the new year, see you on the other side.

Chapter closed.

Lost in Transition

 Yes, I know it's 'translation' but I'm in a transitioning phase of my life and it's been an emotional rollercoaster. Past 3 weeks have been an emotional upheaval to say the least and I guess I entered this phase right after I came back from Goa. Past 3 weeks were just triggering and I have had my longest depressive, anxiety-filled episode.

Nobody talks about how much anxiety and panic attacks can even physically hurt you. I've been in an unexplained pain, had sleepless nights one after the other, I lost my appetite and the result (I'm looking at it as the silver lining out of this) I actually lost 2kgs! Yay! No? Well.

I also learned some important lessons about myself which now in hindsight i think were important to learn. I'm ridden with insecurity, I think I'm ready to open up and accept whatever comes my way but maybe I'm not. I have analysed my own emotions, the way I react in situations, tested my patience to a whole new level and all the while felt lost and pained. I'm not saying I'm not still lost, but now I tell myself every night before "trying" to sleep that I have to take it one day at a time. 

This is my first time that I have felt something so hard and for so long, made me question my own sanity but good I went through this. I'm still trying to process my feelings, but there are qualities in me which can be toxic if I behave selfish and maybe it's time I started working on that instead of looking for something or someone to make me feel whole. Also, I guess time for professional help but for that too I need to prepare myself to really be vulnerable but strong  enough to bring a change.

I hope and pray my next phase goes easy on me and I accept it as a whole new me. But, one day at a time.

To quote my favourite character from my favourite movie, "bas Babaji ab iss 2020 ko boring bana do!"

Pandemic vacation

 I, an unemployed #loser, was already on my seventh month of joblessness in March when Bombay was put under a lockdown and I thought to myself, "great, some more vella time." I was half-relieved too tbh because selfishly I thought it's just not me at least who has to sit at home! But by then I don't think it had hit anyone how long it would last and we might even end up forgetting how to be outdoors and socialize with normal humans. 

In between I obviously I found work, started working full time (read: overtime, crazy wfh scenes) and now after 8 months of being in a lockdown and working 24/7 I had almost lost my will to live and was DYING for a break.

Then Bombay came out of lockdown after 8 months, at least partially, travel restrictions lifted and I immediately booked tickets to my ONLY favourite place, GOA!

Everyone in my life knows how much I love visiting Goa, I leave no chance and end up doing a trip at least 4 times in a year. But 2020 being the bitch that it is, this was my first trip anywhere this year and so I was sure I want to make the most of it. And can't explain the feeling I had of getting out these 4 walls of my room and traveling again, sitting in that flight and actually going somewhere else which is not my room/house/area.

And while I have visited Goa umpteen times I can say this with guarantee, this was one of the BEST trips of my life. There was a surreal value in this trip because obviously traveling amidst pandemic is an experience in itself and not to forget the anxiety that comes along because you're trying your best to be safe. The moment I walked in on that beach it's like I was reborn, I felt alive and normal after a very long time.

And like always I also met new people, spent some valuable quality time with them, we all hung out like we are old friends and didn't even realise how easily it just all clicked. One out of them even gave some extra love and attention to me and I'm going to cherish that and be grateful for that forever in life. Lockdown had made being single difficult and the little time also we spent came as a huge and much needed relief. Made memories with these people for lifetime and I pray we get a chance to meet again in life.

I came back feeling a little lost, took me a while to get out of that zone and get back to reality. And swear the reality is cruel and cannot wait for the day life will go back to real normal, till then I'll live on the memories of this pseudo normalcy I created for myself 💙🌼

This Too Shall Pass.

 Tough times don't last. Good times also don't last. In short, time is a big fat bitch.

Everyone knows I'm more or less a 'Daddy's girl' (I have Sherdiputtar tattooed on me to prove the authenticity behind the claim.) And everyone who knows me knows how deeply I care for my father, so when it comes to his health I make sure I do everything possible and push beyond my capacity.

But the past 15 days was tough for our family. Our little tryst with Covid made us feel vulnerable, overwhelmed, sometimes hysterically optimistic and also resilient. Tough. A strong, firm belief that everything will be okay if we are in it together. I'm not making this post to talk in detail about what happened and what not because I genuinely don't wish to relive it, just a verbal release that it's all thankfully over now.

I also realised how I avoided talking at all about the situation to most people I'm close to. I just clammed up because I didn't want to put the burden on anyone else for listening to my woes, to the emotional roller-coaster going on inside me. So many guys that have come and gone from my life telling me to lower my expectations, looks like I took it all so seriously that today I rather not talk about my feelings at all than open up to even the closest ones. If you just said 'aww' out of pity while reading this, please stop. Again, this is just a post to write down feelings, that's all.

And also a big gratitude for those who knew about the situation and were helping out by just even listening and being supportive. A big thanks!

Another birthday is around the corner. Turning a year older, wiser and now even more so mentally stronger, thanks to the virus. Never imagined will be doing a quarantine birthday but I'm ready for any curveball now, and frankly once you complete your 20s birthdays should just be banned. There's nothing happy about your birth anymore!

Personal lockdown ends!

After working in my last job for 4 years and overall in my career for 9 years, I finally took the plunge in Aug 19 and decided to go on a break from work life. Just before the D Day approached a lot of people suggested I should travel, read, write, watch and just let loose and make the most of the free time. And I did, for a while I really did! I traveled solo to Phuket for 30th birthday, I visited Meenakshi and her Chidiya Cafe in Dehradun at least thrice. I did my usual solo trip to Goa, because really if I don't it would be so not me. I read, I binge watched Netflix and all other OTTs I pay for, I caught up with all my friends for drinks and movies umpteen times.

And while all this was fun, nobody told me that even good times can get boring after a while!

Don't get me wrong, I know I voluntarily chose to take this break but I didn't realise that Prerna without work is really just inspiration-less. If I don't feel productive at the end of the day, what's the point of it all? I have really let work define my existence in the past 9 years and I now understand why. It's been almost 8 months that I have been "chilling" and I have learned that work Prerna > velli Prerna any time, any day.

These 8 months have been super helpful too, I learned things about myself I never acknowledged before. I developed a sense of patience, an understanding to look at a situation without reacting immediately, I spent time on myself, learned how to let go of things that aren't under my control and just really go with the flow. I felt the solitude in all its glory and I'm grateful to come out of this experience with a tad more maturity than before.

I'm now 30 years old and haven't worked 8 months out of it which I think is a big W, no other year of my life compares to what my life has been these past months. My new journey begins this 15th and I can't wait to see what's the new chapter like. And the best part is now when someone will ask me what's happening in life I'll finally have a different answer! There are only so many times one can answer, "I'm just chilling, what's happening with you" :| #PetitionToCancelSmallTalk

Let's make it complicated

We are in 2020, I've been single for almost 6 years now and I've been surfing on various dating apps trying my luck at finding love. And with so much experience I can strongly say, we are still in complicated times. I've been meaning to write about my struggles since a long time but I never had enough words to explain how it feels.

It is only when I saw the trailer of Love Aaj Kal I realised how as a generation we are the crusaders of these unloved times. Even though I haven't watched the film yet but I know the gist of it and I'm sure in a very Imtiaz Ali way it explains the nuances of hookup culture and the harsh consequences of it. All reviews suggest that the movie is shallow, I'll reserve my comment on it until I watch it, but I believe the context is quite real and I've bore the brunt of it personally.

I'm of the strong opinion that my generation is lost in the transition between real life relationships and virtual dating and the only saving grace is that we know how to handle lost love. But truly, have we forgotten how to love? Each guy I meet, online and offline, very categorically mentions that they're NOT looking for the real deal. Casual relationships have become the norm and currently this phase means doing everything together as a couple but without the tag of being called a 'couple'. You know what I mean? To me it only translates as being scared of commitment and hence staying away from real feelings and not get hurt.

I think love is a beautiful feeling, something we all should experience as many times as possible in life. I love being single but that doesn't mean I'm averse to the idea of love, there's nothing wrong in having someone in life with whom you can share some part of you in a stable manner. If we all only look for casual and commitment-free hookups, are we then completely giving up on the notion of love and companionship? And is that really worth it? Food for thought, hmm.

I've been in a long relationship, I've met a few guys with whom I've genuinely connected and could have tried taking things further but I can't force anyone to feel how I feel or change their stance on commitment. I'm criminally positive and a believer of old-school romance so I don't think I'll ever give up on the idea of love, but maybe just change my approach at how I find it. 

#SheWillBeLoved sooner or later, but will be. :)

Par badalna kyun hai?!

I recently watched Ayushmann's latest movie Bala and it struck such a chord that I came out feeling overwhelmed and a little ashamed of myself.

The movie revolves around the idea of self love and self acceptance. A young Ayushmann is shown flaunting his luscious hair while mimicking SRK and cut to an adult Ayushmann trying every trick in the book to save his already receding hairline. The arc is clear, the hero needs to learn to accept himself the way he is and Bhumi's character of a dark-skinned girl plays a major role in doing that.

But it is Yami's character that gives me a sort of a jolt. She's shown as a naive but pretty looking ad model (modeling for fairness cream, what a casting coup!) who practically lives in the world of TikTok and has vanity written all over her. Her thought process to even make a TikTok video just before her and Ayushmann's suhagraat gives a fair idea in what kind of social media lives we now live in.

There is a particular scene when in a vulnerable moment Yami confronts Ayushmann that him being bald maybe a small issue for him but for her it's a big deal because it doesn't go with her 'image'. All her life she has only known how to be pretty and that's gotten her everything in life so why should she compromise on having a lesser good looking life partner. This scene just took me back in time!

The idea of being conceited and living a constant fake life just for show, this social media behaviour that we all somewhere or the other adhere to; what are we really trying to prove? I felt the jolt because I know I have lived that vain life. I have been that person who's smiling in front of the camera but there are hundred other not so happy stories running behind the lens. 

Instagram is a toxic place filled with half baked ideas of a perfect life but how real are those? Im an #Instagrammer too but now I try to portray only what's real. The pics and captions can be happy or sad or just plain moody, I will post what I truly feel. Far too long I have been told to post only happy things and it truly starts playing with your head. The thin line between real and reel gets so blurred it might just leave you a little deranged. You can edit every single inch of your body and face in each photos but you can't add a touch of life to it.

The movie gave me a perspective, a little grip on my own actions and a motive to own my reality. Some days I look fat in the pics, some days i look picture perfect. Every single moment just ask yourself, "badalna kyun hai?!" #DoYouBeYou

The art of unlearning

We spend our whole childhood in school learning subjects which never help in real life. We then spend our teenage years in college learning how to basically be an adult and try not to be stupid. And when we become full-fledged adults and enter work life, we learn how to deal with corporate slavery and run behind money. Phew! That's a lot of learning! But is it really only about learning? Is this much enough for a lifetime?

I have always said that I have learned a lot from life. Be it from heartbreaks to family pressures, every situation is a lesson in itself. But doesn't mean that the meaning of the lesson remains the same throughout life. I have come to this belief that the things I learned from a certain set of people or circumstances yesterday may not hold strong in my tomorrow.  For example, if I ever learned to be a compromising person in my past I may not want to remain the same in my present. So I have to UNLEARN all the notions I fed myself over the years.

For me everything comes down to the art of unlearning. Only when you master this art can you grow, adapt, change and soak in all the experiences life has to offer. As much as learning is important, unlearning teaches you to be flexible, shed all ego and embrace life with kindness. I'm in the process of unlearning all that doesn't stand true for me today. Be it the way I talk, think, care, love, hate... If it stops me from respecting myself I'll make sure to stop and unlearn. 

My past 3 years have been emotionally heavy and now when I look back I see some of the bullsh*t I have adapted to and in no way I want to continue living like that. Last 3 months of this year and my last resolution for 2019 - strike a balance between learning and unlearning.

She will be loved

Its been a month I gave up my job and since then have travelled to Phuket for birthday and then Dehradhun to meet my Minnie and see her new homestay Chidiya Cafe (opening soon and is a must visit!). In this one month I have met many new people and each experience has left a mark on me.

Chidiya Cafe, Shigally Hills Dehradhun

From sharing my birthday with complete strangers to almost meeting the soulmate of my dreams and getting rejected, Phuket holds a special place in my heart and I'll always hold the memories close. After a long time I felt the need of a real relationship tugging at my heartstrings and I came back with a stronger resolve to do post-30 life right.

Staff at Honky Tonk Bar, Bangla Street

I also came back with a strange detachment to life with nothing to look forward to and an emptiness that I couldn't describe in mere words. I always believe that things happen when the time is right and maybe this limbo I'm living in isn't the time for action but to retrospect the three decades gone by and where I am now.

I think when I think strongly about something the Universe ALWAYS responds to me and that's why when I started thinking about relationships and love and commitment I met people who were full of it. While one showed me that a relationship with me is all about connections, the other made me first fall in love with myself, made me feel beautiful and not just in physical terms. I'm coming to realise there are so many facets to love and if you surround yourself with such people there's no way you won't find the L word everywhere and in every aspect of life.

Last night I watched my favourite film 'Before Sunrise' after many years and you know the thing that happens when you see something after a long time and you watch it in a different light? The meaning of this movie has changed for me now and it's more defining. Ready for a relationship or not I know I'm ready to give and receive love and let the good things happen to me. Universe is listening, I know! ❤️🙂

Karma just called, she wants a payback!

Dear Universe,

There's a thin line between testing someone and fucking around with someone and nobody asked for a fuck-a-thon! Requesting you to please stop.

Yours trying to be faithful,
Life.

Past few months have been pretty intense, it felt like I sat in a rollercoaster and came out with my legs up in the air. Relationships underwent a complete transformation, I finally decided to quit my job and take a break in life. I even went solo tripping again to my favorite Goa just for a time out and came back with new resolutions. But between all of this, I faced rejections, betrayal, heartbreaks and even some nasty allegations.

Familiarity breeds contempt. When you expect too much from each other there are bound to be misunderstandings and only the strongest of relationship/friendship can withstand that test. If you fail it's a good eye-opener. And a very clear indication of toxic behavior. And this toxic is not even the Britney Spears-eque cool, this is highly negative and a downer. So should I just safely say good riddance before I got involved too much in the toxicity? Maybe not so soon. There are things which have been left unsaid and I solely believe Karma comes back to settle scores.

And it's not just personal matters that have made me question my own judgement, even professionally I have been misled into trusting people who don't deserve any and it sort of breaks my heart to have invested so much of my time and effort in that. But fret not, because Karma is waiting to drop by!

Life obviously doesn't wait for anyone so I have moved on. I never regret the decisions I make because I stand by everything. I choose to be that person who walks away with her self-respect intact rather than be walked on. And from this point on I know every moment of this tough phase is going to be worth it. Do good, be good rest leave on that little bitch called Karma!

P.S: Doing a solo trip to Phuket for bringing in my 30th birthday and a strange excitement to bring it in with strangers! #wootwoot

Change is coming

This post contains rant. Please read at your own risk!

They say change is the only constant thing in life. Times change, people change, Govt. change (except ours is still flaunting saffron) but do we individually change as a person? Do we all go through a metamorphosis and come out of it as a renewed person? I like to believe that at every stage in my life I have made some serious changes to my personality. I'm not the same Prerna I was 5 years ago. I wasn't the same Prerna even back then. Every turn of life you grow up, you fail and you learn from it and you move on. But bringing a change doesn't mean changing your personality inside out. There will always be some qualities about you that just define you, it's a part of your natural process. Like if you're an extra caring person you'll always react as such in any given situation. It's a natural reflex.

As I inch closer to turning 30 I have some serious changes that I want to take care of. When I look back I see myself as a controlling person who doesn't trust enough to let things happen, who's an over-thinker and jumps to conclusions.  I know for a fact that this isn't a part of my core personality but something I have developed over the years as a defence mechanism. It's not an excuse, I have decided to call a spade a spade so I know where my shortcomings lie. Before I turn the big number, I want to shed this part of me completely. The new me (yet again!) doesn't want to be associated with any negative connotation to her personality. If that means giving it up all and starting from the scratch so be it. The best thing I have learned in life is to be self-reliant. And that's what makes me even think of taking this plunge.

Second bad habit that I have cultivated is of keeping expectations. Now we all know that you're suppose to 'expect nothing and appreciate everything.' But easier said than done, right? It's only human to expect once, twice but if you keep doing it then it's just foolish. And I take this blame on me completely.

I have no flowery wisdom to share that life teaches you this and that, but I know that a change is inevitable. I have made changes to my physical appearance but it's time now to get a mental makeover and come out of the cocoon. Whether I develop wings and fly or I get knocked down that time will tell, but a dear friend told me that I need to do what I need to do, so let the countdown to 30 be a time of new beginnings!

Women's Day! Happy or not

Please note: This is no feminist post.

That said, you read all these stories of #MeToo and you know that there are some bad people out there who are taking women for granted and it boils my blood.  But as I said, this is not a feminist post. I'll not preach about something I have no full knowledge about. I sometimes come across the shittiest of guys on these dating apps and I've been lucky enough to have tackled it carefully, but nothing discredits the truths of the women who go through a hell time and have to speak out publicly to prove their credibility. Kudos to them for gathering that courage, I'm in awe.

There are some women in my life I really admire and the most important is my Mum who fought against all odds to become the voice of reason in my family and her sacrifices made us into one big whole unit. Nothing I can do will ever be enough to thank her. Her sheer dedication to the family strives me into becoming a woman of my own and has helped form values I wouldn't have learned anywhere else. She's a staunch woman who made some radical choices in her life proving that nothing lies beyond a woman's power and in time I learned from her that what being strong means, even though it took me years to apply that to my own life.

For most of my life I've been the girl who lived in shadows. I could never find my voice to speak up openly, kept my opinions to myself feeling afraid it might strike a wrong chord somewhere. It took me years, and really, years to come up with a blog now that blogs are not even a "thing" anymore. But I have failed, gotten up and learned again in life to be the woman I'm today and I will, for once, throw modesty out of the window and say I'm proud of myself for the person I've become. In childhood a random child specialist told me I'm an underconfident person and that feedback I held so close to me that I never opened up completely. And each time I did, I embarrassed myself and you know how those are scarring AF. But now after many years, I thank my lucky stars to have made some friends in life who taught me that it's okay to let go, open up and soar high. They made me into a woman I would only imagine all through my childhood and teenage years. So I pay my gratefulness where it's due - THANKS GUYS!

Like a lot of people know, I've been through a transformation and that is a big highlight of my life. Not only physically, but even mentally it made me into a different person and I have first-hand experienced everyone's opinion change about me. Guys give me more attention, a lot of people now take me more seriously, as twisted as it may sound, but as a woman has that changed me? Not really. I still hold the same opinions I did before. I still don't give a sh*t if someone objectifies me because experience has taught me that some people are just trashy, they will never accept you for who you are. And does it disappoint me looking at people's shallow minds? Hell, it does! I only wish they would grow up and see women as equal if not above.

My parents are dejected with my choice of not getting married and it's taking them some time to get around to but it's a WIP. I don't choose to tie myself to a relationship I don't believe in and conform to the norms of society and be blissfully (not!) committed to a stranger. I have found my own path of being self-reliant and I think I'm great at it. I'm no expert in how to be an independent woman but I have done my bit to make sure, come what may, I love myself and work on myself to make sure I'm enough. 

In the great words of one of my favourites Beyonce, "who run the world?" The answer couldn't be more obvious and perfect than - GIRLS!

The life of a Singleton

It's been 4 years I have been the S word and life has never been this amazing. I'm serious, I'm not saying this because it's cool to say so but I have genuinely never lived UP my life as much as I did in these past years. I spent time with myself, on the things I wanted to do and I came out feeling stronger than ever. These past years have been a witness to the rising of a new Prerna and needless to say there are many people who helped me in this journey and I'm more than grateful for their sheer support.

I was in a relationship for 7 long years. It's like we grew up together, from silly college times to struggling first job days. But as they say, if it's meant to be it will be. And I don't say this with any resentment, but people who knew us personally knew this wouldn't and shouldn't have lasted. And I'm more than happy for the person I have become today, for the person he has turned out to be and for a whole lot of grief that we spared ourselves from. Phew!

Now coming to the topic of being single, was it easy breezy initially? Not really, it took me one solo trip to Goa to make me fall in love with myself again and from there on my story changed. I am proud of myself to finally have taken that one big step of doing a solo trip and in a very cliche Imtiaz Ali-esque movie plot, discovered myself walking down the winding paths of Goa. Today the Prerna I'm is a complete u-turn to what I used to be. But this doesn't mean that I gave up on the notion of love, the feeling you get when you start talking to someone new is priceless and I'm a hardcore YRF-ish kinda sucker for it. So even though I stepped out of a relationship I stepped into the world of online dating and it has been a whirlwind of a ride! But that part of my life demands another blog which hopefully in future I shall update.

                            Baga Beach, Goa

Life as a singleton is the most comfortable space I have been in. I believe there's nothing that I can't do alone. Now surely I have a lovely group of friends who are just like family, but when it comes to being single I can do solo trips, I can eat and drink alone at restaurants, I can go for movies alone and not feel any nervousness about it. Being a single person in any kind of environment boosts my confidence and that's a big lesson I have learned over the years. Sure, many judge me for the things I do alone but I have always believed that there's no need to wait for anyone to come and be that travel buddy or a food/drink companion. I LOVE my own company! My happiness is my responsibility and I make sure I keep myself happy. I read somewhere that if you don't treat yourself nicely you can't expect the world to treat you better and this is something I aspire to follow all my life.

I have nothing against relationships, in fact, my feelings about the topic of relationships have been at times conflicted. There are days I feel it might be a great idea to have someone who you can just call, talk silly to, fight for no reason and just vent your heart out. Then there are days when I meet someone new and I'm safeguarding my single status like my life depends on it! I keep saying I'm too self-reliant to accommodate anyone new in my life. But as A R Rahman once sang, "Dil hai toh dard hoga, dard hai toh dil bhi hoga" But until that dard comes knocking down, let's just party like Beyonce's all single ladies! #PutYourHandsUp

My Insta, my alter ego

I'm often asked by some acquaintances, long-forgotten friends and even random strangers, who just slide into my DMs like they own it, that why do I post semi-nude pictures on my Insta page? And for all I have but one answer - MY BODY IS MY BODY, NONE  OF YOUR BODY!

I totally get it why it surprises people when I post a picture as such, because if you meet me in real life you wouldn't think I'm that kinda person who is bold in her approach. I'm rather an introvert who will only open up to people with whom I feel comfortable. So my #famjam knows that when it comes to being comfortable in your own skin Prerna won't hesitate a bit, but for outsiders it's a shocker alert! So to everyone who has ever wondered what makes me do it, in all honesty I would confess that I love my body so I flaunt it. I actually feel more comfortable dressed down than I'm when I'm dressed up.  It makes me feel beautiful inside out and is very much a part of my sexuality. #NarciMuch maybe?!

Picture Credit: Navin Dhyani Photo

Some may think it's attention-seeking but in my opinion that's just one of the ways people like to cover up for their inability to understand why I do it. It's human nature to automatically put the blame on situations rather than delve deeper into the meaning behind it. And guess what, it makes no difference to me absolutely what someone thinks and that's one of the reasons why I pose with my naked skin. If I start caring about everyone's opinion, life will be such a waste.

But it wasn't that randomly one day I decided to bare it all and do a complete makeover. It started building up little by little and voila! A new Prerna was born! The first time ever I faced the camera with the intention of doing a photoshoot, I was a nervous wreck ready to break down anytime. And whoever knows me personally know that nervousness in many ways defines me.

Picture Credit: Navin Dhyani Photo

But thanks to my ace photographer friend Navin who instilled such stellar confidence in me I did what I had only dreamed about since childhood. I posed, I smiled, I went outside my comfort zone and decided to never return to it. Navin has a talent to bring out that inner you which rarely anyone else can spot. He showed confidence in me and I could never repay what he LIT within me from there on.  Anup acccompanied us too in this shoot and not only did he help manage last minute requirements, but his presence solidified my belief that everything was going right. And to think I was hesitant to attempt this in front of him, I feel silly and grateful today that he came along and became a part of this memory.

But mind you, my Insta avatar has nothing to do with the trendy hashtags of #bodypositivity #plusandproud #plussizemodels... you get the gist. I'm no influencer, I admire the girls who do it as a responsibility to educate the young minds to love and flaunt themselves, but I never aligned myself to that thought process. For me, my pictures are just a way to explore myself more, to see what all personalities are hidden inside me and in the course learn more about myself. It's truly been a rewarding experience so far and with each picture I fall more and more in love with myself. Now isn't that the aim of #SelfLove?

Want to see more of my epic transformation? Do follow me on @sherdiputtar and don't forget to like, share and leave feedback! :) <3

The Keto Life

My journey started on 23rd October, 2017 but really it was a month before when my friends and I toyed with the idea of going on a diet as a group. Our friend, Papa J had just recently explored the concept of Keto diet and together we contemplated if we should all go on it and see the results. I personally was never a diet person, too shy to even check my weight in the presence of others. But Diwali day we all checked our weights, placed it as a challenge to lose all the extra kilos and thus began the journey of transformation.

I would be lying if I said I didn't breakdown and cried myself to sleep in the course of this diet. The first 10 days were the most difficult for me as out of my HANGRY state I would scream at my mother for not loving me enough and not feeding me things I'm allowed to eat. Poor Mum, didn't even know the K of Keto never had to cook diet food in a Punjabi household, was now trying her hands at alien recipes of cauliflower rice and what not. It was her support at home in the initial days that despite all my melodrama she pushed me to keep going. And when not at home, special mention goes to Papa J (Jay Patel) without whom the diet idea would never come to realisation. It was his sheer belief in me that made me keep going come what may.

You would think that a bunch of young guns who are always spotted traveling or partying, basically living their life to the fullest, how serious can they be about a diet? Well, you gotta be with us to know us! We partied, we travelled, we did all sorts of things together but nothing ever stopped us from following our diet to the T. Together, we aligned our cheat days, planned trips keeping in my mind everyone's dietary requirements, like even though Anup was the only person who wasn't on diet but would join us to Keto-friendly places to eat without batting an eyelid and Papa J would even carry diet food on trips so no one goes hungry. Cue: aww alert! While these two helped keep up the morale, Navin's motivation skills came in handy when he would set out targets fashionwise and help reach a goal in his own way. There was nothing that wasn't going to fit me until Navin was around! This phase taught me that no matter what you do in life, when you have a solid support system like my friends there's NOTHING that can not be achieved. When you have unconditional support and love pushing you to achieve your goal, then sky's the limit. I would forever be grateful to have a set of friends who not only stand by me but are the voice of reason. They gave a new definition to my life and without them the journey wouldn't have been a blissful one.

It's a popular myth that once you go off Keto, all the lost weight comes back and you have to start from the scratch. Now I call it a myth only because I have been on and off this diet and not even once had to face the said conundrum. Yes, when you go off the diet you tend to gain a kg or two but that's totally natural and something that you can lose again. Keto by concept is a change in lifestyle, helps you build up good eating habits and makes you more energetic and vigorous. Combined with exercise time and I guarantee you would be at your optimal best! I started going on walk in the evening for 45minutes and would do squats and planks at home and all this really helped me feel less fatigued.

When I started on this journey, I was 97kgs, my medical reports were dwindling, sugar was on borderline and I had been suffering from PCOD from past 5 years. I decided it was time for me to make that leap of faith for my own good and go on this diet with positivity. And I have never made a better decision in life! Today, I weigh 75kgs, my sugar is normal and reports have no sign of PCOD. Believe me when I say, it may seem miraculous but I have achieved these results only because the efforts put in were informative and calculated. A lot of people message me asking for diet tips and how can they lose weight like I did, my only answer is please first read, understand what this diet does and then decide what's best for you. I'm not an advocate of any diet but I totally believe that if you love yourself and trust yourself enough you would do everything to make your life better. Self love is a FASHIONABLE topic now, more so like ignorance is the new self love where you are just in denial and don't actually do anything to improve or enhance your life. I went on a diet because I love myself and my health was deteriorating and I wanted to make myself healthy.  A lot is said on social media about the portrayal of self love but for me if you're doing it because everyone's doing it then it's a waste of time.

I'm going to start a new chapter in this journey soon and I cannot wait to share it! This is just a beginning, there's a long way to go and I look forward to ticking off my goals 😊♥️

Follow my posts on @sherdiputtar to know more about my journey!